Ahh, the night air

Dead silence. Ah yes, the lack of noise, all but the keyboard. It is only now, in the wee hours of the morning that I am truly alone, the rest of the ambiguous life forms have all gone away. I can finally relax in front of my technological idiot box..

I've been told that I might suffer from mental illnesses. Do I look like it too you? Perhaps so, I seem to exhibit numerous symptoms of the less fortunate. But I prefer to think of it as keeping my sanity, for as I have said before, what is sanity but the acceptance of insanity. Sanity does not exist, we are not born sane, we cannot be taught to become sane. To say that we are sane, we imply that we are aware of everything around us, we are normal. How many of you can say that in every aspect of life, you fit the norm status of society? Given you could, you would merely be driven to madness by the knowing that everyone outside your doorstep does not see as you see. That you are merely an illusion to them. Stepping away from the grey mass in a plethora of color, you would be as unnoticed as the next grey blob.

That is why I am insane. You are insane. The person sitting next to you is insane. We all are insane. What does it feel like, to know that your life is nothing but routine insanity? Does it feel good? Or do you just feel sad. Maybe you need a little "alone time"? I know I would like alone time. That's why I stay up so late.

Alone. Singularity. I wish to be alone. Then I could just waste away in my surreal world. As day by day passed, the horizon between this world, and my own would blur even more, until I would be immersed in a spectacle of peacefulness. That is my life. Peace, heaps and heaps of it. I would be liberated from the pressures of life; Math, cubes, love. I would be just. Nothing.

Alas, I cannot give up those pressures, I can be liberated from the rest, but my poor heart is too weak, and I cannot sustain myself without those 3. And I hate myself for that. I hate myself for developing attachments to logic. To little turnable plastic toys. To Safiyyah. Or rather, I am just an attachment to them. Perhaps so.

My name is Jonathan Tan. I am 17 years old.

I do not adhere to any religious beliefs.

I am insane, and devoid of all logical judgment.

I hate myself because I know that whatever I do, it will never be good enough.

It will never please who it is supposed to please.

I hate myself for loving Safiyyah, because I know that as long as we are together,

she will never be given the love that she deserves.

lala kena kantoiiii

Lala is perasan and vain ;)
:P Just joking

Grey Rain

I don't remember how to spell.

Grey, gray, griey? Not like anyone would care now. Grey rain. Experience the patter on my lips. It doesn't stop. Just slowly comes until I'm all wet. I shrug it off, thinking heh, this is just a little bit of rain, nothing to worry about. Then it happens. I'm so dragged down by your wet shirt. And pants. I move like a snail. No wait. A snails grandfather. Feeling burdened? Lets get rid of the burden then? Running around naked. I feel cold. very cold. I'm exposed to the weather. The grey rain. It starts to sting me. Now I regret dropping my burdens for some unfortunate soul to pick up.

Burdens protect us even though we don't want it to.

I feel like dying.

The New Year.

Without an S.

THIS BLOG POST IS ONLY HERE BECAUSE OF YOU LALA :P BE THANKFUL.

Because this is such a monumental occasion, and pretty much the first year of my life that I'm not bound to a school, I guess I'll post.. MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS?! Lol, you really owe me Lala.

1. Stay healthy - Who the fuck doesn't want to stay healthy?

2. Be happy - Look at my previous posts

3. Post blog entries just a wee bit more - Because I promised Lala :P
4. Survive. [Weird how the 4th one is the most ironic one][Jon-Holyshat my name is in red, watch out Chinese people]

5. Get my license - Then I can go rayau2 in KL

6. Be a better boyfriend - *sighs* ]= I do love her, very very much.

7. BE OWNAGE PRO 1337 BBQSAUCE - I just can't have a semi decent post. Ever.

8. Be a better cuber. XD

This girl is awesome!

Save Me

And all my dreams are on the ground.

Insanity. What is insanity actually? Can you measure it in a beaker, or with a meter rule? It is a material substance we can avoid by eye? Can we avoid it, by heart? Subjective to our own minds, insanity slowly manifests itself inside of us. No matter what we do, we all slowly turn insane. Each tick of the clock wipes away the last bits of our sanity. Not that we ever were sane. The meaning of sanity, is realizing that there is no such thing as sanity. Sanity is accepting our insanity and accepting ourself for who we are.

I am neither insane nor sane, I am as always, caught in the middle of things, never belonging anywhere truly. I am the only black sheep in a world of grey balls. The stares, the laughs, the noises, all as alien to me as I am to them. I have no home. I have no heart. And I can seek solace in no one. And no one will every seek solace in me.

I am alone. And I am afraid.

Fuck you all

Every single on of you bitches(yes, that includes bastards). Go and burn your organs on a grill then serve it to the fucking dead-beat lying down next to you.

I fucking hate humanity. I fucking hate the illusion called humanity. I fucking hate the illusion that is you.

Liberation

There is no such thing in the sense that life continuously throws shit at us. No matter how you put it-emancipation, freedom, independence, it doesn't exist. We're always hanging onto something else, someone else. Every single one of us is attached to another person, in mind and in spirit. And thats why I need you next to me.